Letting go of past abuse for self healing

A new relationship is possible. (public domain photo)

Sometimes being good to yourself forces you to deal with your past. As a victim of abuse, I found it extremely difficult to have a successful new relationship at first. Time does help. It's been over 20 years since my divorce. Plus, I was lucky in that my current relationship is with a very kind and understanding man.

It's natural to expect the worst in a relationship when you've been abused. It's a defense mechanism. Therefore, nearly everything that occurs in your current relationship, which is even remotely connected to the abusive one, sets off a trigger. So, how can we let go of those old thought patterns?

It's normal for someone who's been mistreated to be on the alert for trouble.

Self protection learned in the abusive relationship is often carried over into the new one. It perpetuates the role of victim. For example, I was with someone who cheated before. If my new love were to say something like, "I'll be working late for a few nights" it would initially set off a chain reaction of thoughts in my head pointing to the "fact" that he was a cheater too.

I've since come to find that there's no reason to doubt him. It's a good thing that he was very understanding at the beginning of the relationship. He knew what it meant to be an abuse victim and why my defenses were on red alert. He invested time in showing me that he could be trusted. He forgave some serious blunders, brought on by those little chain reactions in my head. I often tell him how grateful I am to be with someone who took the time to help me heal.

Is it possible that he's just fooling me?

That's a natural reaction from an abuse victim. We've been forced to be on the defensive most of our lives. My new relationship is a good one. So, making assumptions would be unfair to my new partner. My new relationship is based on positive thinking and acceptance of each others faults and setbacks.

Two sided compromise is a new experience for this victim of abuse. So, in order to give myself the gift of a good relationship, I have to force myself to keep thinking positively, despite my defensive inclinations.

The issue of trust is huge in any relationship.

The human brain is conditioned to watch for repeated patterns in order to protect against further pain. A victim of past abuse should learn to recognize this reaction in themselves. I'm continually reminding myself that this is a different and much better relationship. That's because packing those habitual defense mechanisms in my baggage could prove fatal to this very positive relationship.

Self defense is a necessary weapon for someone who's been in an abusive relationship.

A victim of abuse relies on self protection at all times, in order to survive. In a good relationship, that same defensiveness against abuse can actually be a strong deterrent to success. It's natural for an innocent person, who is trustworthy, but not being trusted, to react by pulling away from the abuse victim. A victim of abuse should be cautious, but begin any relationship with trust.

I've found that people who are trusted will most often behave in a trustworthy manner.

Trust is not the only issue this applies to. Unless you have come across a complete vulture, you will get what you give in a relationship. An abuse victim who projects love, understanding, honesty, tolerance, trust and generosity, will likely receive the same in return. On the other hand, someone who is rude, accusatory, dishonest, intolerant and disbelieving will get exactly that in return.

So, while I'm proceeding with caution in this wonderful relationship, I also try to think positively. I have to quiet those head demons if I want this to work. Because perhaps the best way for me to be good to myself right now is to allow myself to be happy, despite what's happened in the past.

Please note: The author is not a licensed medical professional. this article is not intended to replace professional relationship advice.

Portions of this post were previously published by this author on a closed Yahoo! property.